TLPTP - Make us laugh edition

Mike Hewson
Mike Hewson
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Chris S_2 wrote:So, all those

Chris S_2 wrote:
So, all those Doctor in the House films were all true then?? Plus some of the "Carry On" ones!

Scrubs. Scrubs is perfect.

Chris S_2 wrote:

hospital's Chief Pathologist**

Rumour, or to be exact living rumour, had him carefully tending to a large ant farm at home. To relax with. Allegedly there was no Mrs Chief Pathologist, which suggests an even more comforting thought : there are no little Chief Pathologists running about in current day .....

 

Chris S_2 wrote:

put an intravenous line in a vein ( compared with an intravenous line in an artery )

Shouldn't that be an intraartery line?

Yes Chris. You are a quick study for sure. You have penetrated instantly to the core question ! Is the young doctor going into the right sort of blood vessel ? Is it what he thinks it is ? Is the young doctor where he thinks he is ?

"That's odd. The textbooks never mentioned one of them being there ..."

..... resounds across the wards and down the hallways during the night shift. An oft-spoken phrase at inquests too. You see, there are clinical procedures and then there is mere stabbing. This is why I found The Game Of Thrones quite boring.

Bonus marks if he uses the correct catheter type, and a Total Smarta**e Award if he selects the proper gauge. :-0

Cheers, Mike.

I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to make it shorter ...

... and my other CPU is a Ryzen 5950X :-) Blaise Pascal

Phil-Pi
Phil-Pi
Joined: 7 Jan 17
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This is a true story from

This is a true story from when I was in Marine boot camp. I swear you can't make stuff like this up:

A recruit was running to get somewhere (where I don't remember...old age and all that)

As a Marine if you approach an officer from the rear, you approach from slightly to the side, snap a salute, and say "By your leave, sir." to receive permission to pass him. So if you are running, you slow to a walk to match his pace, and wait for him to acknowledge your request, finish your salute, then carry on running.

This particular recruit (no, it wasn't me) was running and just blew right past an officer, whereby the officer chased him down and in no uncertain language (I won't repeat here on the family channel) informed said recruit of the rules regarding passing officers, etc. etc. He was told, "I don't care WHAT you are doing, next time you see an officer you will stop and render the proper salute."

Fast forward to the next day. We were training on an obstacle called the "Slide for Life." This involves a tower 30 feet high with a rope coming off sideways angling down to the ground about 120 feet or so away. You climb out on the rope and you have to "slide" down the rope in various positions until you get to the ground. There is a pond of water underneath in case someone falls.

So this recruit climbs out onto the rope and starts his slide, then looks down and sees the very same officer who chewed him out the day before. Being more scared of the officer than he was of falling, he lets go with his feet, waits just long enough to stop swinging, and lets go with his hands. As he's falling he snaps to perfect attention, ramrod straight, renders the proper salute and screams, "GOOD MORNING, SIR!" just as he hits the water.

The officer hearing someone say "Good Morning, Sir" turns around to return the salute just in time to get soaked from the splash of the recruit hitting the water from 30 feet in the air.

Lesson learned? Be careful how harshly you treat those you are leading. It may just backfire Tongue Out

 

Mike Hewson
Mike Hewson
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pi_80 wrote:I swear you can't

pi_80 wrote:
I swear you can't make stuff like this up:

From a bio on General George S. Patton, as extracted from his personal diaries. Recounts training manoeuvres done by US Army units in the southern states during WWII, in preparation for the invasion of Europe. A group had encamped for the nite out in the desert/wild. Now wily George was in the habit of snooping about in un-adorned fatigues. Checking stuff out. See who was doing what. Without prior warning that is. Being in the USA he typically didn't bother with the normal bodyguard crew, who stood out with their impressive size, automatic weapons etc. He had no rank insignia showing and it was well after dark. 

A young private was on picket/lookout/guard duty and apparently performing well as far as George could covertly tell. After a while George reveals himself and asks "From which direction do you think the main threat would be coming ?" The private did not recognise George for who he was. After a short pause for thought he pointed back toward the middle of the camp. George asks why and the private replies in a low voice "That's where General Patton is". George thanked him and said goodnite. George was highly amused by this comment. Later the private was granted some special liberties without ever knowing why ....

NB. The private answered whatever question anyone asked, because as new recruit nearly everybody else is further up the stack.

Cheers, Mike.

( edit ) The Australian Army is, shall we say, somewhat less emphatic on protocol. Courts-martial generally confine to the topics of : beer theft from or by the quartermaster, not sharing smack with your mates when out on patrol, or putting on the hard word.

( edit ) As a soldier George Patton was epic. A classic wildcard warrior. He was the only US General in WWII that no-one, his own colleagues especially, could really work out. 

I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to make it shorter ...

... and my other CPU is a Ryzen 5950X :-) Blaise Pascal

Chris S
Chris S
Joined: 27 Aug 05
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Doctor examing patients back

Doctor examing patients back - Slight bruising, certainly. No bleeding, good.

Patient - Just like the service in here!

boom

 

Patient - I got shot up down below in the war, doctor

Doctor - Rectum?

Patient - Well it didn't do them much good!

boom boom

 

 

Waiting for Godot & salvation :-)

Why do doctors have to practice?
You'd think they'd have got it right by now

JumpinJohnny
JumpinJohnny
Joined: 4 Apr 13
Posts: 138
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Other things I've

Other things I've learned:

  • There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.

  • Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

  • We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

Chris S
Chris S
Joined: 27 Aug 05
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The biggest thing I have ever

The biggest thing I have ever learned in my life is to never ever trust anyone on the Internet unless you have met them in person in real life.

 

 

 

 

Waiting for Godot & salvation :-)

Why do doctors have to practice?
You'd think they'd have got it right by now

Mike Hewson
Mike Hewson
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Posts: 6588
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Chris S_2 wrote:The biggest

Chris S_2 wrote:
The biggest thing I have ever learned in my life is to never ever trust anyone on the Internet unless you have met them in person in real life. 

Now I know of this car Chris. Low mileage, well kept. Driven by a little old lady every Sunday to church. The roadworthy check was perfect* and a really good mate of mine can let you have it for a mere $500 .....

One of my favorites is :

"The effect of the mass media is not to elicit belief but to maintain the apparatus of addiction."

{ Dear Christopher Lasch died in 1994, he wrote that line forty years ago and then published a very prescient book ( 1979 ) : "The Culture of Narcissism" }

.... do we pity the hamster that can't see the enclosing cage ? YouTwitFace anyone ? Thus it seems that some outlet wants to enlist us for some latest & greatest Good Cause, but the content/intent/bias is irrelevant to the media shareholders. Provided you keep clicking away the money is still generated. King Churn rules, long live The King ! While the Fleet Street Virus** is now a worldwide infection, trolls always die if you don't feed them.

Ouch again Mike ! I sure am chucking out some Friday Nasties ....

Cheers, Mike.

* Defined as that part of the inspection prior to attempting to start the engine. Batteries not included. Not suitable for children under three days old. May randomly emit Mr. Potato Head or high energy comic rays.

** Causes people to simply make shit up and then keep repeating it. May also be a congenital trait. 

I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to make it shorter ...

... and my other CPU is a Ryzen 5950X :-) Blaise Pascal

Mike Hewson
Mike Hewson
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Joined: 1 Dec 05
Posts: 6588
Credit: 316613788
RAC: 351201

I really have to double post.

I really have to double post. I'll take the hit for that. What an epic week for typos ! From my desk, just in :

Quote:
.... possibly precipitated by the long-term use of dying chemicals.

said the dermatologist to the bishop

It's also Fresh Intern Week at our local emergency departments. So stay well. But I am gentle and kind to our snowflakes .... after three decades I still remember the terror .... :-)

For that matter I slept poorly one night this week as it was really hot. One of those toss & turn, half-awake half-alseep, dreamy nights. I think it was 3.30 am when I saw this large purple kangaroo in the bedroom. 

Sorry. Kangaroos in the bedroom : no big deal. But purple ? Does that clash or what ?

Cheers, Mike.

I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to make it shorter ...

... and my other CPU is a Ryzen 5950X :-) Blaise Pascal

Winterknight
Winterknight
Joined: 4 Jun 05
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Mike Hewson wrote:I really

Mike Hewson wrote:

I really have to double post. I'll take the hit for that. What an epic week for typos ! From my desk, just in :

Quote:
.... possibly precipitated by the long-term use of dying chemicals.

said the dermatologist to the bishop

It's also Fresh Intern Week at our local emergency departments. So stay well. But I am gentle and kind to our snowflakes .... after three decades I still remember the terror .... :-)

For that matter I slept poorly one night this week as it was really hot. One of those toss & turn, half-awake half-alseep, dreamy nights. I think it was 3.30 am when I saw this large purple kangaroo in the bedroom. 

Sorry. Kangaroos in the bedroom : no big deal. But purple ? Does that clash or what ?

Cheers, Mike.

You really should interview interns before they appear, just in case they are imposters, like some purple kangaroos who seem to have turned up, this year.

You also forgot Rule No.1 - Never give interns your address or phone numbers.

Mike Hewson
Mike Hewson
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Joined: 1 Dec 05
Posts: 6588
Credit: 316613788
RAC: 351201

Winterknight wrote:You really

Winterknight wrote:
You really should interview interns before they appear, just in case they are imposters, like some purple kangaroos who seem to have turned up, this year.

I maintain that it still could have been a genuine purple kangaroo. But My Dearest wants me to shut up about it though ..... you know, a 'what happens in the bedroom stays in the bedroom' kinda thing. ;-)

Winterknight wrote:
You also forgot Rule No.1 - Never give interns your address or phone numbers.

Mea culpa. Epic fail there. Oh. Darn. Epiphany. If I'm the only one breaking that rule then ...... that explains alot !! :-)

Cheers, Mike.

I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to make it shorter ...

... and my other CPU is a Ryzen 5950X :-) Blaise Pascal

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