I thought everyone watched for cracks so they wouldn't break their mother's back.
My advice is the next time a telemarketer calls and asks how you are, be sure to tell him/her in minute detail. They will appreciate it. They are lonely too.
Bearded men can obtain the appearance of an upper class Arctic explorer by simply applying Tippex to their beards, painting their noses blue, and cutting off a couple of toes. It never fails to impress the girls.
1. Lift the lid on the toilet and fill it with 1/8 cup of animal shampoo.
2. Take the cat in your arms and stroke it gently while slowly moving in the direction of the toilet.
3. At a suitable moment, throw the cat into the toilet bowl and close the lid quickly and either stand or sit on the lid.
4. The cat will now start the cleaning process and will produce/generate plenty of foam. Do not be concerned about the loud noises coming from the toilet; your cat is enjoying himself.
5. After several minutes flush the toilet to start the Power-Rinse.
6. Ask someone to open the front door and ensure that no-one is between the toilet and the front door.
7. Get off the toilet seat and from a safe distance open the toilet lid quickly. The cat will dry off naturally due to the high speed he will be moving from the toilet to the front door.
8. The toilet and the cat are now both clean.
With best wishes,
The Dog
Take all your cash to the bank, change it all to pennies. Then pay everything in pennies.
Reminds me of the following that travelled through my Inbox a couple of weeks ago....Hope no-one gets offended ;-)
Brief Introduction to the Zimbabwe Theory of Quantum Mathematics
Also known as Bobenomics
The day is very hot and you are passing the Keg and Sable in Borrowdale, so naturally you go in for a nice cold beer. The barman informs you that One beer now costs 150 000 Zimbabwe dollars.
You can pay with three crisp new $50 000 notes, still damp from the printing press. Or, if you are feeling a bit bloody-minded, and if you can still source the coins ( remember those things : they were still quite common a few years ago ) you can sit back and enjoy a beer while the barman counts out 15 000 000 Zimbabwe one cent coins.
But hold it ! We have a problem.
Each Zim one cent coin weighs 3 grams, so this little lot weighs in at
45 000 000 grams
or
45 000 kgs
or
45 Tonnes
After humping 45 tonnes of coins into the pub you are going to need a helluva lot more than one beer to cool down. But don`t panic - we have a plan. Like all brilliant ideas this one relies entirely on its simplicity.
Plan B : We sell the metal and drink the proceeds
There is a small legal question about smelting coin of the realm and exporting the resulting brass ingots. However we'll let the buyer worry about that one. There doesn't seem to be an international price for brass. Its main ingredient, copper, has recently been selling for an all-time high of US $ 5 200 a tonne on the London Metal Exchange, but we won't be greedy. For a quick sale let's discount it to US $ 2 600 a tonne.
We are now the proud owners of US $ 117 000.
But we still can't buy that beer as the Keg is only allowed to accept Zimbabwe currency. We must resist the temptation to change our money on the lucrative but illegal black market. So we change at the prevailing interbank mid rate which is US $ 1 : Zim $ 99 201,58
Our heap of U S green-backs now miraculously becomes a mountain of Zim $ 11 606 584 860.
For the uninitiated the billions start at the tenth figure, counting from the right.
So if the price of beer has not increased while we were doing this calculation you can now walk back into the Keg and order 77 377 beers !
I thought everyone watched
)
I thought everyone watched for cracks so they wouldn't break their mother's back.
My advice is the next time a telemarketer calls and asks how you are, be sure to tell him/her in minute detail. They will appreciate it. They are lonely too.
A good way to confirm that
)
A good way to confirm that your air conditioner is functioning properly is to put your tongue on the condenser coils.
Those who don’t build must burn. It’s as old as history and juvenile delinquents.
Ray Bradbury - Fahrenheit 451
Don't tie yourself to an
)
Don't tie yourself to an airplane propeller.
Bearded men can obtain the
)
Bearded men can obtain the appearance of an upper class Arctic explorer by simply applying Tippex to their beards, painting their noses blue, and cutting off a couple of toes. It never fails to impress the girls.
Physics is for gurls!
Boy that's cold! But HOT
)
Boy that's cold! But HOT
Take all your cash to the
)
Take all your cash to the bank, change it all to pennies. Then pay everything in pennies.
Try out this cool new PC
)
Try out this cool new PC game. Free until 1 June 2007.........
RE: Take all your cash to
)
Or go to the bank, and ask for their cash.... :-)
ROFLOL!! :-)
Cheers, Mike.
I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to make it shorter ...
... and my other CPU is a Ryzen 5950X :-) Blaise Pascal
Instructions for cleaning the
)
Instructions for cleaning the toilet:
1. Lift the lid on the toilet and fill it with 1/8 cup of animal shampoo.
2. Take the cat in your arms and stroke it gently while slowly moving in the direction of the toilet.
3. At a suitable moment, throw the cat into the toilet bowl and close the lid quickly and either stand or sit on the lid.
4. The cat will now start the cleaning process and will produce/generate plenty of foam. Do not be concerned about the loud noises coming from the toilet; your cat is enjoying himself.
5. After several minutes flush the toilet to start the Power-Rinse.
6. Ask someone to open the front door and ensure that no-one is between the toilet and the front door.
7. Get off the toilet seat and from a safe distance open the toilet lid quickly. The cat will dry off naturally due to the high speed he will be moving from the toilet to the front door.
8. The toilet and the cat are now both clean.
With best wishes,
The Dog
RE: Take all your cash to
)
Reminds me of the following that travelled through my Inbox a couple of weeks ago....Hope no-one gets offended ;-)
Brief Introduction to the Zimbabwe Theory of Quantum Mathematics
Also known as Bobenomics
The day is very hot and you are passing the Keg and Sable in Borrowdale, so naturally you go in for a nice cold beer. The barman informs you that One beer now costs 150 000 Zimbabwe dollars.
You can pay with three crisp new $50 000 notes, still damp from the printing press. Or, if you are feeling a bit bloody-minded, and if you can still source the coins ( remember those things : they were still quite common a few years ago ) you can sit back and enjoy a beer while the barman counts out 15 000 000 Zimbabwe one cent coins.
But hold it ! We have a problem.
Each Zim one cent coin weighs 3 grams, so this little lot weighs in at
45 000 000 grams
or
45 000 kgs
or
45 Tonnes
After humping 45 tonnes of coins into the pub you are going to need a helluva lot more than one beer to cool down. But don`t panic - we have a plan. Like all brilliant ideas this one relies entirely on its simplicity.
Plan B : We sell the metal and drink the proceeds
There is a small legal question about smelting coin of the realm and exporting the resulting brass ingots. However we'll let the buyer worry about that one. There doesn't seem to be an international price for brass. Its main ingredient, copper, has recently been selling for an all-time high of US $ 5 200 a tonne on the London Metal Exchange, but we won't be greedy. For a quick sale let's discount it to US $ 2 600 a tonne.
We are now the proud owners of US $ 117 000.
But we still can't buy that beer as the Keg is only allowed to accept Zimbabwe currency. We must resist the temptation to change our money on the lucrative but illegal black market. So we change at the prevailing interbank mid rate which is US $ 1 : Zim $ 99 201,58
Our heap of U S green-backs now miraculously becomes a mountain of Zim $ 11 606 584 860.
For the uninitiated the billions start at the tenth figure, counting from the right.
So if the price of beer has not increased while we were doing this calculation you can now walk back into the Keg and order 77 377 beers !