I have now. Thanx, I don't believe I've heard a song with that much use of "that" particular word since I used to listen to 2 Live Crew "back in tha day".
In the country. Interviewer with microphone. Behind him a man sits on a wall, with clip-board, binoculars and spotting gear.
Interviewer Good evening. Tonight we're going to take a hard tough abrasive look at camel spotting. Hello.
Spotter Hello Peter.
Interviewer Now tell me, what exactly are you doing?
Spotter Er well, I'm camel spotting. I'm spotting to see if there are any camels that I can spot, and put them down in my camel spotting book.
Interviewer Good. And how many camels have you spotted so far?
Spotter Oh, well so far Peter, up to the present moment, I've spotted nearly, ooh, nearly one.
Interviewer Nearly one?
Spotter Er, call it none.
Interviewer Fine. And er how long have you been here?
Spotter Three years.
Interviewer So, in, er, three years you've spotted no camels?
Spotter Yes in only three years. Er, I tell a lie, four, be fair, five. I've been camel spotting for just the seven years. Before that of course I was a Yeti spotter.
Interviewer A Yeti spotter, that must have been extremely interesting.
Spotter Oh, it was extremely interesting, very, very - quite... it was dull; dull, dull, dull, oh God it was dull. Sitting in the Waterloo waiting room. Course once you've seen one Yeti you've seen them all.
Interviewer And have you seen them all?
Spotter Well I've seen one. Well a little one... a picture of a... I've heard about them.
Interviewer Well, now tell me, what do you do when you spot a camel?
Spotter Er, I take its number.
Interviewer Camels don't have numbers.
Spotter Ah, well you've got to know where to look. Er, they're on the side of the engine above the piston box.
Interviewer What?
Spotter Ah - of course you've got to make sure it's not a dromedary. 'Cos if it's a dromedary it goes in the dromedary book.
Interviewer Well how do you tell if it's a dromedary?
Spotter Ah well, a dromedary has one hump and a camel has a refreshment car, buffet, and ticket collector.
Interviewer Mr Sopwith, aren't you in fact a train spotter?
Spotter What?
Interviewer Don't you in fact spot trains?
Spotter Oh, you're no fun anymore.
Those who don’t build must burn. It’s as old as history and juvenile delinquents.
Ray Bradbury - Fahrenheit 451
Man: Good morning, I'd like to buy a cat.
Shopkeeper: Certainly sir. I've got a lovely terrier. [indicates a box on the
counter]
Man: no, I want a cat really.
Shopkeeper: [taking box off counter and then putting it back on counter as if
it is a different box] Oh yeah, how about that?
Man: [looking in box] No, that's the terrier.
Shopkeeper: Well, it's as near as dammit.
Man: Well what do you mean? I want a cat.
Shopkeeper: Listen, tell you what. I'll file its legs down a bit, take its
snout out, stick a few wires through its cheeks. There you are, a
lovely pussy cat.
Man: Its not a proper cat.
Shopkeeper: What do you mean?
Man: Well it wouldn't miaow.
Shopkeeper: Well it would howl a bit.
Man: No, no, no, no. Er, have you got a parrot?
Shopkeeper: No, I'm afraid not actually guv, we're fresh out of parrots. I'll
tell you what though ... I'll lop its back legs off, make good,
strip the fur, stick a couple of wings on and staple on a beak of
your own choice. [taking small box and rattling it] No problem.
Lovely parrot.
Man: How long would that take?
Shopkeeper: Oh, let me see ... er, stripping the fur off, no legs ... [calling]
Harry ... can you do a parrot job on this terrier straight away?
Harry: [off-screen] No, I'm still putting a tuck in the Airedale, and then
I got the frogs to let out.
Shopkeeper: Friday?
Man: No I need it for tomorrow. It's a present.
Shopkeeper: Oh dear, it's a long job. You see parrot conversion ... Tell you
what though, for free, terriers make lovely fish. I mean I could
do that for you straight away. Legs off, fins on, stick a little
pipe through the back of its neck so it can breathe, bit of gold
paint, make good ...
Man: You'd need a very big tank.
Shopkeeper: It's a great conversation piece.
Man: Yes, all right, all right ... but, er, only if I can watch.
"Let that be a warning to you all! You move at your peril, for I have two
pistols here. I know one of them isn't loaded any more, but the other one
is, so that's one of you dead for sure...or just about for sure anyway.
It certainly wouldn't be worth your while risking it because I'm a very good
shot. I practise every day...well, not absolutely every day, but most days
in the week.
I expect I must practise, oh, at least four or five times a
week...or more, really, but some weekends, like last weekend, there really
wasn't the time, so that brings the average down a bit.
I should say it's a solid four days' practice a week...At least...I mean...I reckon I could hit that tree over there. Er...the one just behind that hillock. The little hillock, not the big one on the...you see the three trees over
there? Well, the one furthest away on the right......
......What's the... the one like that with the leaves that are sort of regularly veined and the veins go right out with a sort of um......."
"Let that be a warning to you all! You move at your peril, for I have two
pistols here. I know one of them isn't loaded any more, but the other one
is, so that's one of you dead for sure...or just about for sure anyway.
It certainly wouldn't be worth your while risking it because I'm a very good
shot. I practise every day...well, not absolutely every day, but most days
in the week.
I expect I must practise, oh, at least four or five times a
week...or more, really, but some weekends, like last weekend, there really
wasn't the time, so that brings the average down a bit.
I should say it's a solid four days' practice a week...At least...I mean...I reckon I could hit that tree over there. Er...the one just behind that hillock. The little hillock, not the big one on the...you see the three trees over
there? Well, the one furthest away on the right......
......What's the... the one like that with the leaves that are sort of regularly veined and the veins go right out with a sort of um......."
Serrated?
Serrated edges.
A willow!
Yes.
That's nothing like a willow.
Well it doesn't matter, anyway. I can hit it seven
times out of ten, that's the point.
Never a willow.
Shut up! It's a hold-up, not a Botany lesson. Now,
no false moves please. I want you to hand over all the lupins
you've got.
Lupins?
Yes, lupins. Come on, come on.
What do you mean, lupins?
Don't try to play for time.
I'm not, but... the *flower* lupin?
Yes, that's right.
Well we haven't got any lupins.
Honestly.
Look, my friends. I happen to know that this is
the Lupin Express.
Kindly forgive this non-Pythonian exerpt - As songs go, I feel that the troupe would have been glad to have sung it themselves, especially considering the sentimental theme.
"I'm picking out a thermos for you,
not an ordinary thermos for you.
But the extra best thermos you can buy
with vinyl and stripes and a cup built right in.
I'm Picking out a thermos for you.
And maybe a barometer too.
And what else can I buy, so on me you will rely, a rear-end thermometer too."
Last Tuesday a reign of terror was ended when the notorious Piranha brothers,
Doug and Dinsdale, after one of the most extraordinary trials in British legal
history, were sentenced to 400 years imprisonment for crimes of violence. We
examined the rise to power of the Piranhas, the methods they used to subjugate
rival gangs and their subsequent tracking down and capture by the brilliant
Superintendent Harry 'Snapper' Organs of Q Division.
Doug and Dinsdale Piranha were born, on probation, in a small house in Kipling
Road, Southwark, the eldest sons in a family of sixteen. Their father Arthur
Piranha, a scrap metal dealer and TV quizmaster, was well known to the police,
and a devout Catholic. In 1928 he had married Kitty Malone, an up-and-coming
East End boxer. Doug was born in February 1929 and Dinsdale two weeks later;
and again a week after that. Someone who remembers them well was their next
door neighbour, Mrs April Simnel.
"Oh yes Kipling Road was a typical East End Street, people were in and out of
each other's houses with each other's property all day. They were a cheery
lot. Cheerful and violent. Doug was keen on boxing, but when he learned to
walk he took up putting the boot in the groin. He was very interested in that.
His mother had a terrible job getting him to come in for tea. Putting his
little boot in he'd be, bless him. All the kids were like that then, they
didn't have their heads stuffed with all this Cartesian dualism."
At the age of fifteen Doug and Dinsdale started attending the Ernest Pythagoras
Primary School in Clerkenwell. When the Piranhas left school they were called
up but were found by an Army Board to be too unstable even for National
Service. Denied the opportunity to use their talents in the service of their
country, they began to operate what they called 'The Operation'... They would
select a victim and then threaten to beat him up if he paid the so-called
protection money. Four months later they started another operation which the
called 'The Other Operation'. In this racket they selected another victim and
threatened not to beat him up if he didn't pay them. One month later they hit
upon 'The Other Other Operation'. In this the victim was threatened that if he
didn't pay them, they would beat him up. This for the Piranha brothers was the
turning point...........
Last Tuesday a reign of terror was ended when the notorious Piranha brothers,
Doug and Dinsdale, after one of the most extraordinary trials in British legal
history, were sentenced to 400 years imprisonment for crimes of violence. We
examined the rise to power of the Piranhas, the methods they used to subjugate
rival gangs and their subsequent tracking down and capture by the brilliant
Superintendent Harry 'Snapper' Organs of Q Division.
Doug and Dinsdale Piranha were born, on probation, in a small house in Kipling
Road, Southwark, the eldest sons in a family of sixteen. Their father Arthur
Piranha, a scrap metal dealer and TV quizmaster, was well known to the police,
and a devout Catholic. In 1928 he had married Kitty Malone, an up-and-coming
East End boxer. Doug was born in February 1929 and Dinsdale two weeks later;
and again a week after that. Someone who remembers them well was their next
door neighbour, Mrs April Simnel.
"Oh yes Kipling Road was a typical East End Street, people were in and out of
each other's houses with each other's property all day. They were a cheery
lot. Cheerful and violent. Doug was keen on boxing, but when he learned to
walk he took up putting the boot in the groin. He was very interested in that.
His mother had a terrible job getting him to come in for tea. Putting his
little boot in he'd be, bless him. All the kids were like that then, they
didn't have their heads stuffed with all this Cartesian dualism."
At the age of fifteen Doug and Dinsdale started attending the Ernest Pythagoras
Primary School in Clerkenwell. When the Piranhas left school they were called
up but were found by an Army Board to be too unstable even for National
Service. Denied the opportunity to use their talents in the service of their
country, they began to operate what they called 'The Operation'... They would
select a victim and then threaten to beat him up if he paid the so-called
protection money. Four months later they started another operation which the
called 'The Other Operation'. In this racket they selected another victim and
threatened not to beat him up if he didn't pay them. One month later they hit
upon 'The Other Other Operation'. In this the victim was threatened that if he
didn't pay them, they would beat him up. This for the Piranha brothers was the
turning point...........
Doug and Dinsdale Piranha now formed a gang, which the called 'The Gang' and
used terror to take over night clubs, billiard halls, gaming casinos and race
tracks. When they tried to take over the MCC they were, for the only time in
their lives, slit up a treat. As their empire spread however, Q Division were
keeping tabs on their every move by reading the colour supplements.
One small-time operator who fell foul of Dinsdale Piranha was Vince
Snetterton-Lewis.
"Well one day I was at home threatening the kids when I looks out through the
hole in the wall and sees this tank pull up and out gets one of Dinsdale's
boys, so he comes in nice and friendly and says Dinsdale wants to have a word
with me, so he chains me to the back of the tank and takes me for a scrape
round to Dinsdale's place and Dinsdale's there in the conversation pit with
Doug and Charles Paisley, the baby crusher, and two film producers and a man
they called 'Kierkegaard', who just sat there biting the heads of whippets and
Dinsdale says 'I hear you've been a naughty boy Clement' and he splits me
nostrils open and saws me leg off and pulls me liver out and I tell him my
name's not Clement and then... he loses his temper and nails me head to the
floor."
Another man who had his head nailed to the floor was Stig O' Tracy.
Rogers: I've been told Dinsdale Piranha nailed your head to the floor.
Stig: No. Never. He was a smashing bloke. He used to buy his mother
flowers and that. He was like a brother to me.
Rogers: But the police have film of Dinsdale actually nailing your head to
the floor.
Stig: (pause) Oh yeah, he did that.
Rogers: Why?
Stig: Well he had to, didn't he? I mean there was nothing else he could do,
be fair. I had transgressed the unwritten law.
Rogers: What had you done?
Stig: Er... well he didn't tell me that, but he gave me his word that it was
the case, and that's good enough for me with old Dinsy. I mean, he
didn't *want* to nail my head to the floor. I had to insist. He
wanted to let me off. He'd do anything for you, Dinsdale would.
Rogers: And you don't bear him a grudge?
Stig: A grudge! Old Dinsy. He was a real darling.
Rogers: I understand he also nailed your wife's head to a coffee table.
Isn't that true Mrs O' Tracy?
Mrs O' Tracy: No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Stig: Well he did do that, yeah. He was a hard man. Vicious but fair.
Vince Snetterton-Lewis agreed with this judgement.
Yes, definitely he was fair. After he nailed me head to the table, I used to
go round every Sunday lunchtime to his flat and apologise, and then we'd shake
hands and he'd nail me head to the floor. He was very reasonable. Once, one
Sunday I told him my parents were coming round to tea and would he mind very
much not nailing my head that week and he agreed and just screwed my pelvis to
a cake stand."
RE: Has anyone listened to
)
I have now. Thanx, I don't believe I've heard a song with that much use of "that" particular word since I used to listen to 2 Live Crew "back in tha day".
RE: Has anyone listened to
)
Sweet! Perfectly Pythonesque.
Thanks for the link.
Those who don’t build must burn. It’s as old as history and juvenile delinquents.
Ray Bradbury - Fahrenheit 451
In the country. Interviewer
)
In the country. Interviewer with microphone. Behind him a man sits on a wall, with clip-board, binoculars and spotting gear.
Interviewer Good evening. Tonight we're going to take a hard tough abrasive look at camel spotting. Hello.
Spotter Hello Peter.
Interviewer Now tell me, what exactly are you doing?
Spotter Er well, I'm camel spotting. I'm spotting to see if there are any camels that I can spot, and put them down in my camel spotting book.
Interviewer Good. And how many camels have you spotted so far?
Spotter Oh, well so far Peter, up to the present moment, I've spotted nearly, ooh, nearly one.
Interviewer Nearly one?
Spotter Er, call it none.
Interviewer Fine. And er how long have you been here?
Spotter Three years.
Interviewer So, in, er, three years you've spotted no camels?
Spotter Yes in only three years. Er, I tell a lie, four, be fair, five. I've been camel spotting for just the seven years. Before that of course I was a Yeti spotter.
Interviewer A Yeti spotter, that must have been extremely interesting.
Spotter Oh, it was extremely interesting, very, very - quite... it was dull; dull, dull, dull, oh God it was dull. Sitting in the Waterloo waiting room. Course once you've seen one Yeti you've seen them all.
Interviewer And have you seen them all?
Spotter Well I've seen one. Well a little one... a picture of a... I've heard about them.
Interviewer Well, now tell me, what do you do when you spot a camel?
Spotter Er, I take its number.
Interviewer Camels don't have numbers.
Spotter Ah, well you've got to know where to look. Er, they're on the side of the engine above the piston box.
Interviewer What?
Spotter Ah - of course you've got to make sure it's not a dromedary. 'Cos if it's a dromedary it goes in the dromedary book.
Interviewer Well how do you tell if it's a dromedary?
Spotter Ah well, a dromedary has one hump and a camel has a refreshment car, buffet, and ticket collector.
Interviewer Mr Sopwith, aren't you in fact a train spotter?
Spotter What?
Interviewer Don't you in fact spot trains?
Spotter Oh, you're no fun anymore.
Those who don’t build must burn. It’s as old as history and juvenile delinquents.
Ray Bradbury - Fahrenheit 451
Man: Good morning, I'd like
)
Man: Good morning, I'd like to buy a cat.
Shopkeeper: Certainly sir. I've got a lovely terrier. [indicates a box on the
counter]
Man: no, I want a cat really.
Shopkeeper: [taking box off counter and then putting it back on counter as if
it is a different box] Oh yeah, how about that?
Man: [looking in box] No, that's the terrier.
Shopkeeper: Well, it's as near as dammit.
Man: Well what do you mean? I want a cat.
Shopkeeper: Listen, tell you what. I'll file its legs down a bit, take its
snout out, stick a few wires through its cheeks. There you are, a
lovely pussy cat.
Man: Its not a proper cat.
Shopkeeper: What do you mean?
Man: Well it wouldn't miaow.
Shopkeeper: Well it would howl a bit.
Man: No, no, no, no. Er, have you got a parrot?
Shopkeeper: No, I'm afraid not actually guv, we're fresh out of parrots. I'll
tell you what though ... I'll lop its back legs off, make good,
strip the fur, stick a couple of wings on and staple on a beak of
your own choice. [taking small box and rattling it] No problem.
Lovely parrot.
Man: How long would that take?
Shopkeeper: Oh, let me see ... er, stripping the fur off, no legs ... [calling]
Harry ... can you do a parrot job on this terrier straight away?
Harry: [off-screen] No, I'm still putting a tuck in the Airedale, and then
I got the frogs to let out.
Shopkeeper: Friday?
Man: No I need it for tomorrow. It's a present.
Shopkeeper: Oh dear, it's a long job. You see parrot conversion ... Tell you
what though, for free, terriers make lovely fish. I mean I could
do that for you straight away. Legs off, fins on, stick a little
pipe through the back of its neck so it can breathe, bit of gold
paint, make good ...
Man: You'd need a very big tank.
Shopkeeper: It's a great conversation piece.
Man: Yes, all right, all right ... but, er, only if I can watch.
England, 1747 (Sounds of a
)
England, 1747
(Sounds of a coach and horses, galloping)
"Stand and deliver!"
"Not on your life (SHOT) ... aagh!"
"Let that be a warning to you all! You move at your peril, for I have two
pistols here. I know one of them isn't loaded any more, but the other one
is, so that's one of you dead for sure...or just about for sure anyway.
It certainly wouldn't be worth your while risking it because I'm a very good
shot. I practise every day...well, not absolutely every day, but most days
in the week.
I expect I must practise, oh, at least four or five times a
week...or more, really, but some weekends, like last weekend, there really
wasn't the time, so that brings the average down a bit.
I should say it's a solid four days' practice a week...At least...I mean...I reckon I could hit that tree over there. Er...the one just behind that hillock. The little hillock, not the big one on the...you see the three trees over
there? Well, the one furthest away on the right......
......What's the... the one like that with the leaves that are sort of regularly veined and the veins go right out with a sort of um......."
RE: England, 1747 (Sounds
)
Serrated?
Serrated edges.
A willow!
Yes.
That's nothing like a willow.
Well it doesn't matter, anyway. I can hit it seven
times out of ten, that's the point.
Never a willow.
Shut up! It's a hold-up, not a Botany lesson. Now,
no false moves please. I want you to hand over all the lupins
you've got.
Lupins?
Yes, lupins. Come on, come on.
What do you mean, lupins?
Don't try to play for time.
I'm not, but... the *flower* lupin?
Yes, that's right.
Well we haven't got any lupins.
Honestly.
Look, my friends. I happen to know that this is
the Lupin Express.
Damn!
Oh, here you are.
In a bunch, in a bunch!
Sorry.
Come on, Concorde! (Gallops off)
Kindly forgive this
)
Kindly forgive this non-Pythonian exerpt - As songs go, I feel that the troupe would have been glad to have sung it themselves, especially considering the sentimental theme.
"I'm picking out a thermos for you,
not an ordinary thermos for you.
But the extra best thermos you can buy
with vinyl and stripes and a cup built right in.
I'm Picking out a thermos for you.
And maybe a barometer too.
And what else can I buy, so on me you will rely, a rear-end thermometer too."
Naven R. Johnson to Marie Kimble Johnson
One of my very favorite songs -
Jim
Those who don’t build must burn. It’s as old as history and juvenile delinquents.
Ray Bradbury - Fahrenheit 451
RE: Kindly forgive this
)
Thank you Jim! That was........
.....touching!
The Pirahna Brothers Last
)
The Pirahna Brothers
Last Tuesday a reign of terror was ended when the notorious Piranha brothers,
Doug and Dinsdale, after one of the most extraordinary trials in British legal
history, were sentenced to 400 years imprisonment for crimes of violence. We
examined the rise to power of the Piranhas, the methods they used to subjugate
rival gangs and their subsequent tracking down and capture by the brilliant
Superintendent Harry 'Snapper' Organs of Q Division.
Doug and Dinsdale Piranha were born, on probation, in a small house in Kipling
Road, Southwark, the eldest sons in a family of sixteen. Their father Arthur
Piranha, a scrap metal dealer and TV quizmaster, was well known to the police,
and a devout Catholic. In 1928 he had married Kitty Malone, an up-and-coming
East End boxer. Doug was born in February 1929 and Dinsdale two weeks later;
and again a week after that. Someone who remembers them well was their next
door neighbour, Mrs April Simnel.
"Oh yes Kipling Road was a typical East End Street, people were in and out of
each other's houses with each other's property all day. They were a cheery
lot. Cheerful and violent. Doug was keen on boxing, but when he learned to
walk he took up putting the boot in the groin. He was very interested in that.
His mother had a terrible job getting him to come in for tea. Putting his
little boot in he'd be, bless him. All the kids were like that then, they
didn't have their heads stuffed with all this Cartesian dualism."
At the age of fifteen Doug and Dinsdale started attending the Ernest Pythagoras
Primary School in Clerkenwell. When the Piranhas left school they were called
up but were found by an Army Board to be too unstable even for National
Service. Denied the opportunity to use their talents in the service of their
country, they began to operate what they called 'The Operation'... They would
select a victim and then threaten to beat him up if he paid the so-called
protection money. Four months later they started another operation which the
called 'The Other Operation'. In this racket they selected another victim and
threatened not to beat him up if he didn't pay them. One month later they hit
upon 'The Other Other Operation'. In this the victim was threatened that if he
didn't pay them, they would beat him up. This for the Piranha brothers was the
turning point...........
RE: The Pirahna
)
Doug and Dinsdale Piranha now formed a gang, which the called 'The Gang' and
used terror to take over night clubs, billiard halls, gaming casinos and race
tracks. When they tried to take over the MCC they were, for the only time in
their lives, slit up a treat. As their empire spread however, Q Division were
keeping tabs on their every move by reading the colour supplements.
One small-time operator who fell foul of Dinsdale Piranha was Vince
Snetterton-Lewis.
"Well one day I was at home threatening the kids when I looks out through the
hole in the wall and sees this tank pull up and out gets one of Dinsdale's
boys, so he comes in nice and friendly and says Dinsdale wants to have a word
with me, so he chains me to the back of the tank and takes me for a scrape
round to Dinsdale's place and Dinsdale's there in the conversation pit with
Doug and Charles Paisley, the baby crusher, and two film producers and a man
they called 'Kierkegaard', who just sat there biting the heads of whippets and
Dinsdale says 'I hear you've been a naughty boy Clement' and he splits me
nostrils open and saws me leg off and pulls me liver out and I tell him my
name's not Clement and then... he loses his temper and nails me head to the
floor."
Another man who had his head nailed to the floor was Stig O' Tracy.
Rogers: I've been told Dinsdale Piranha nailed your head to the floor.
Stig: No. Never. He was a smashing bloke. He used to buy his mother
flowers and that. He was like a brother to me.
Rogers: But the police have film of Dinsdale actually nailing your head to
the floor.
Stig: (pause) Oh yeah, he did that.
Rogers: Why?
Stig: Well he had to, didn't he? I mean there was nothing else he could do,
be fair. I had transgressed the unwritten law.
Rogers: What had you done?
Stig: Er... well he didn't tell me that, but he gave me his word that it was
the case, and that's good enough for me with old Dinsy. I mean, he
didn't *want* to nail my head to the floor. I had to insist. He
wanted to let me off. He'd do anything for you, Dinsdale would.
Rogers: And you don't bear him a grudge?
Stig: A grudge! Old Dinsy. He was a real darling.
Rogers: I understand he also nailed your wife's head to a coffee table.
Isn't that true Mrs O' Tracy?
Mrs O' Tracy: No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Stig: Well he did do that, yeah. He was a hard man. Vicious but fair.
Vince Snetterton-Lewis agreed with this judgement.
Yes, definitely he was fair. After he nailed me head to the table, I used to
go round every Sunday lunchtime to his flat and apologise, and then we'd shake
hands and he'd nail me head to the floor. He was very reasonable. Once, one
Sunday I told him my parents were coming round to tea and would he mind very
much not nailing my head that week and he agreed and just screwed my pelvis to
a cake stand."